Nightclubs and Insecurity

I hate nightclubs. I find nightclub environments sleazy, overcrowded, chaotic, and can’t stand how the loud music ruins any ability to hold a decent conversation. And yet, for some reason I can’t come to terms with this preference of mine. I always try to believe that I’m just doing it wrong. If I figured out the night scene and could hook up with a hot girl every time I went out, my outlook would be very different. And when I see attractive women always flock to clubs like bees to honey, it makes me feel like I’m just wasting valuable opportunities again and again. And so every time I go to a club and come back home alone, I get very stressed out and cannot sleep despite the late hour. Even when I do hook up, it feels underwhelming and I continue to wonder what the big deal is. I’ve only ever had one truly satisfying one-night stand, but even that wasn’t particularly great because it was temporary. You have a night of passion and then it’s over. You move on with your life and nothing’s really changed.

I’ve tried going out just to have fun and not caring about hooking up, but it doesn’t work. I might have fun dancing like a buffoon for an hour or so, but then I get bored and undergo this mental shift where all I can think about is scoring the glorious poo tang. And then I’m reminded of all the bitchiness and outright hostility I have to deal with just to find a lady that’s receptive, and I can’t even be bothered anymore. I hate that since it’s virtually impossible to talk in a loud nightclub, you’re basically forced to grind, often without making eye contact. Most of the time I can’t even bring myself to do it because it just feels so primitive, borderline perverted and wrong, something only a total douchebag would do. And even if you can overcome this mental hurdle, the girl often leaves you after 5-10 minutes of dancing. So then you’re so worried about that happening that you can’t even enjoy that actual experience.

I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Yet, instead of accepting my distaste for nightclubs, it instead reinforces insecurities I have with women. The narrative in my head is always that I need to have better “game” to enjoy nightclubs. Even though I hate nightclubs so much that it feels like work just to attend them, every bad outing creates this horrible thought pattern of self-doubt. I’ve had nights where I hit on almost 30 women, nights where I made out with multiple women, nights where I brought a woman home an hour after meeting her, nothing changes this feeling of doubt and insecurity.

I think part of the problem is that as a sexually frustrated young adult, I searched around the internet and stumbled upon a so-called “pick-up artist” community. As someone who had very little experience with friendships, relationships and life in general, I was very impressionable and read a lot of this information uncritically. I was always bothered by how dehumanizing pickup artist literature was, but I overlooked it because I was desperate to lose my virginity. Eventually I came to my senses and completely distanced myself from the pick-up artist community. But in the process I filled my head with years worth of absolutely toxic literature that still influences me to this day. It has created this sort of filter for how I view every social interaction that I’m still trying to get rid of. Now every time I do anything that involves attracting the opposite sex, I get totally mindfucked between following my natural instincts and following what pick-up dogma has taught me.

That’s why I’m in a very challenging position in my life right now. Given that I work in tech, there are literally no opportunities to meet attractive women through my workplace. I wish I were exaggerating, but anyone who’s ever studied Computer Science will know exactly what I’m talking about. My circle of friends are predominantly male as well. This basically forces me to have to find a way to meet women outside of the usual “friend of a friend” approach (and don’t even get me started on dating sites). The only way for me to find a relationship is to chat up women at a coffee shop, in a mall, at a bookstore, in a park, even walking on a busy street. This is precisely the type of thing pick-up artists focus on heavily. They call this the “cold approach” since you’re essentially talking to a complete stranger and have to really break the ice effectively to get around the inherent awkwardness of meeting someone this way.

Now I despise doing this because it makes me feel like I’m in a predatory mindset. I’m scanning for opportunities, feeling ridiculous that I am going from one coffee shop to another specifically to meet women instead of, you know, drinking coffee. It feels cold, calculated and dehumanizing and I despise this mindset. I wish I could just meet women organically but the circumstances of my life have forced me to have to take this convoluted approach where I have to create these romantic comedy type opportunities from thin air. When I first started doing these so-called cold approaches, the main challenge was the overpowering primal, visceral fear I would feel from talk to another woman. Now that I’ve done cold approaches hundred, if not thousands of times, the new challenge is not feeling like a creep or a weirdo when I approach women this way.

After leaving the pick-up artist scene, I actually went through a few years without doing a single cold-approach, at least outside of a bar or nightclub context. But now that I’ve landed a career defining job, I’ve had to come to terms that the only significant missing element in my life is not having a girlfriend. I am now focused and disciplined enough that I’m committed to do whatever it takes to address this problem in my life. I have to let go of all this pick-up artist baggage disturbing my thoughts like some kind of tumor and just learn to make a habit out of talking to women in this slightly inorganic way.

The good news is that I did precisely this today. I considered the job offer I got a couple days ago a defining moment in my life, and so is this. What blew my mind is that I only talked to 2 women today, but the 2nd one actually thanked me for approaching her the way I did. She told me that she found it very attractive and that meeting people in this way is something that only happens in movies. She was incredibly attractive and pleasant to be around, and after I left, I had a huge endorphin rush. You know the feeling when you’re walking in public but can’t stop smiling and muttering “holy shit”. That feeling where you just want to fist pump and jump up and down like an idiot but have to refrain because of how insane you’ll appear to everyone around you. I experienced that. I missed that feeling and I’m glad to see it’s back. I’m ecstatic that I still have the thrill of the chase instead of the feeling of dread and anxiety. When you haven’t done a cold approach in a long time, the first one is unbelievably terrifying and can take hours to muster up the courage. Now that I’ve conquered that particular hurdle, I am also in a place in my life that I have the mental fortitude to turn this into a daily habit until I achieve what I’m looking for: A hot girlfriend that I’m compatible with, who shares my philosophy of life and whose company I literally crave. Someone I can fall in love with. I have absolute confidence that I will have a girlfriend like this within a few weeks, or at the very least a couple of hot dates.

So why am I writing this whole tirade about night clubs? Because despite everything I described above, I went to a night club with my friends and experienced this frustration for the millionth time. It was so bad that I couldn’t sleep even though it was 3 in the morning. With respect to women, I know exactly what I want and what actions I am going to take to reach this goal, and yet my night outing still managed to give me a miserable bout of insomnia. We all have these inner demons that can eat away at us inside, and I hope that writing out my feelings in this manner is therapeutic. And perhaps I’ll find out that a lot of people can actually relate to these types of fundamental struggles that I experience.

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